Matt and I went to the Dr. yesterday for a follow up appointment to ask questions about what could have gone wrong. We asked about any type of testing that could be done to see if Matt and i are even compatible, in the baby making sense. There is a blood test but it is quite pricey and even then if it does show something genetic the Dr. does not recommend trying to test the frozen embryos that we have because the process could be damaging to the embryos. Also if it does show something it does not mean that the embryos would not produce a healthy baby. If the blood test does not show anything, it still would not rule out the possibility of having another miscarriage. So Matt and I have chosen to not have the blood test done at this time. The Dr felt like there was not anything specific that caused the miscarriage because the first u/s showed the baby was measuring 2 weeks smaller then it should have. the heart rate was also slow (130), but a week later the heart rate was 172 and measuring only a week and a half behind. so we were hope full that the first u/s measurements were just off or that the baby was catching up. We know now that that was not the case. S was dx with a sub.chor.ionic hem.orage on Friday and started miscarrying on Sat. This was something that could not be prevented or stopped.
As for our next step we are still giving S and J some time to think about it more as she does not feel ready yet, and not sure if she ever will. This is really disappointing for Matt and I but we will not give up know matter what they decide. We will just move on to plan b. We certainly did not expect this to be a one time shot. I don't think we would have proceeded with everything if we only had 1 chance, it's a lot of time, energy and money to spend. Now we just wait, a little longer, as I will not wait forever, to see what our next step entails. I have never given up on what I want and I will just keep climbing this mountain called IF. Sometimes life can be scary but I have to look beyond those fears and trust that what is meant to happen will happen, just hoping its sooner rather then later!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I could not have said it better.....
I received this from my Aunt a while back and it is something I have really come to realize this past month while going through our recent loss.
THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break.
Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end.
BUT......... Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.........Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you........Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family: all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other..
Every day, we need each other still
THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break.
Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end.
BUT......... Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.........Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you........Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family: all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other..
Every day, we need each other still
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Valentines Day
Matt and I had a simple but great valentines day! A day with my loves how could it be bad? We went to Chico and hiked in upper bidwell park to a place called "Monkeys Face". It was a nice hike and such nice weather too. We hope your valentines day was just as sweet!
View from the top looking down onto horseshoe lake.
Not the best view, the full monkeys face is better from the front, not this side.
The pups swimming in horseshoe lake.
My Valentine!
His Valentine ;)
The start of our hike.
View from the top looking down onto horseshoe lake.
Not the best view, the full monkeys face is better from the front, not this side.
The pups swimming in horseshoe lake.
My Valentine!
His Valentine ;)
The start of our hike.Friday, February 12, 2010
Why!!??
Why? Why do such deserving people have to feel such heartbreak?
Why does He give to just take away moments later?
I will never know the answer but pray I will begin to trust the reason even though I may never understand.
There are women who are going through this heartbreak today, most we do not know, but some we do. My dear friend I am thinking about you today! I am sooooo angry that we have to experience this. I hate that our dreams were shattered. Yeah, we must go on but we will NOT forget them! I think about my babies everyday, and they are always in my heart.
This week S would have been 13 weeks, past the "critical" stage. We would have seen S's baby belly. We would be talking and planning the upcoming events, finding out the sex, the baby shower, the beginning of the nursery, all the "fun" stuff. Uggghhh, Why did this have to end?!
J and S are coming to town for his grandma's b day and we are going to have dinner with them next week. I am a little nervous, I hope I don't break down crying! I have been doing [pretty well, staying busy defiantly helps. But then something happens or pops up in my email or snail mail that brings back all the disappointment. Signing up for baby center and weekly updates has not made this easy! Just when i think I have deleted all the updates i receive one more!
Please pray for us as we see S and J for the first time since the miscarriage and we go to our follow up apointmentt with the IVF Dr on the 23rd. We have so many questions that we hope can be answered. Answers that will hopefully put our fears at ease so we can begin the next step towards having a baby!
Why does He give to just take away moments later?
I will never know the answer but pray I will begin to trust the reason even though I may never understand.
There are women who are going through this heartbreak today, most we do not know, but some we do. My dear friend I am thinking about you today! I am sooooo angry that we have to experience this. I hate that our dreams were shattered. Yeah, we must go on but we will NOT forget them! I think about my babies everyday, and they are always in my heart.
This week S would have been 13 weeks, past the "critical" stage. We would have seen S's baby belly. We would be talking and planning the upcoming events, finding out the sex, the baby shower, the beginning of the nursery, all the "fun" stuff. Uggghhh, Why did this have to end?!
J and S are coming to town for his grandma's b day and we are going to have dinner with them next week. I am a little nervous, I hope I don't break down crying! I have been doing [pretty well, staying busy defiantly helps. But then something happens or pops up in my email or snail mail that brings back all the disappointment. Signing up for baby center and weekly updates has not made this easy! Just when i think I have deleted all the updates i receive one more!
Please pray for us as we see S and J for the first time since the miscarriage and we go to our follow up apointmentt with the IVF Dr on the 23rd. We have so many questions that we hope can be answered. Answers that will hopefully put our fears at ease so we can begin the next step towards having a baby!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I have been looking through old photos today and realized I forgot to post anything about our New Years vacation in Tahoe. I love looking back at old photos and reliving the memories. Of course there is a lot of pics of our pups enjoying the snow but I also through in some of ourselves and Matt's dad too. We always have a great time in Tahoe, in fact I believe it is one of our favorite places to go. Thank goodness it is so close.
#1 thing on our bucket list.......own a house in Tahoe!
* can someone please tell me how to get more then 5 photos to post. blogger won't let me ever do anymore then that.
New Year's 2010 Tahoe Vacation.
It's a love/hate relationship! If you look close enough you can see Sadie "smiling" at Toby!
Did I mention she loves the snow! We decided to not torture her with her snow boots, I believe she would have lost them in the snow anyways.
This is what they did for over an hour on the snow covered beach. They were pooped afterwards.
It was REALLY bright out there!
Matt and his Dad.
#1 thing on our bucket list.......own a house in Tahoe!
* can someone please tell me how to get more then 5 photos to post. blogger won't let me ever do anymore then that.
New Year's 2010 Tahoe Vacation.
It's a love/hate relationship! If you look close enough you can see Sadie "smiling" at Toby!
Did I mention she loves the snow! We decided to not torture her with her snow boots, I believe she would have lost them in the snow anyways.
This is what they did for over an hour on the snow covered beach. They were pooped afterwards.
It was REALLY bright out there!
Matt and his Dad.Tuesday, January 19, 2010
What not to say.....
Some people have been asking how they can help us and support us through this time of great loss. I found this today and felt it may help you to understand what we may be going through. It is a great resource for anyone who has gone through this personally or may know someone who has.
IF SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAS A MISCARRIAGE
Do let your genuine concern and caring show
Do be available....to listen or to help with what ever seems needed at the time
Do say your sorry about what happened and about their pain
Do allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and are willing to share.
Do encourage them to be patient with themselves and to not expect to much of themselves, nor to impose any shoulds' on themselves.
Do allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.
Do reassure them that they did everything they could and that it was not their fault.
Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out.
Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends
may add pain to an already painful experience.
Don't say you know how they feel ( unless you have experienced their loss yourself, and then yo can be particularly supportive).
Don't say 'you ought to be feeling better by now' or anything which implies judgement about their feelings.
Don't tell them what they should feel or do.
Don't change the subject if they mention their loss.
Don't avoid mentioning their loss out of fear of reminding them of their pain (they won't have forgotten).
Don't try and find something positive about their loss (ie. a moral lesson closer family ties, etc.)
Don't point out at least they have their other......
Don't say they can always have another....(they wanted this one).
Don't say that they should be grateful for......
Don't make any comments, which in anyway suggest that the loss was their fault( there will be enough feelings of doubt and guilt already).
This is not written to offend anyone or point a finger at anyone who may have said something on this list, it is to help you to try to understand where we are coming from. We have a lot of emotions that need to heal and it is going to take time.
Thank you to all who have called and written, we really appreciate it. We are very blessed to have such great friends and family.
Matt and Christy
IF SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAS A MISCARRIAGE
Do let your genuine concern and caring show
Do be available....to listen or to help with what ever seems needed at the time
Do say your sorry about what happened and about their pain
Do allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and are willing to share.
Do encourage them to be patient with themselves and to not expect to much of themselves, nor to impose any shoulds' on themselves.
Do allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.
Do reassure them that they did everything they could and that it was not their fault.
Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out.
Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends
may add pain to an already painful experience.
Don't say you know how they feel ( unless you have experienced their loss yourself, and then yo can be particularly supportive).
Don't say 'you ought to be feeling better by now' or anything which implies judgement about their feelings.
Don't tell them what they should feel or do.
Don't change the subject if they mention their loss.
Don't avoid mentioning their loss out of fear of reminding them of their pain (they won't have forgotten).
Don't try and find something positive about their loss (ie. a moral lesson closer family ties, etc.)
Don't point out at least they have their other......
Don't say they can always have another....(they wanted this one).
Don't say that they should be grateful for......
Don't make any comments, which in anyway suggest that the loss was their fault( there will be enough feelings of doubt and guilt already).
This is not written to offend anyone or point a finger at anyone who may have said something on this list, it is to help you to try to understand where we are coming from. We have a lot of emotions that need to heal and it is going to take time.
Thank you to all who have called and written, we really appreciate it. We are very blessed to have such great friends and family.
Matt and Christy
Monday, January 18, 2010
The day after...
I spoke with S this morning, we had a good talk and both cried. She is hurting, I am hurting, we ALL are hurting. We all wanted this so bad! We may not ever understand why but it doesn't keep us from asking over and over "why us Lord?" Matt and I are going to talk to someone tomorrow to help deal with our feelings. I feel numb but at the same time ache all over because we wanted THIS baby.
I may not have been carrying the baby but i still feel the same bond and heartbreak as if i were. We fell in love with Baby E from the moment we saw the embryo picture the morning of transfer. I even "talked" to it every day as it hung on our fridge. I still can not bear to take it down :(
We all need extra thoughts and prayers. please pray specifically for our hearts to heal, my anger to disappear, and that we will not be scared to try again when the time is right.
Until then to my sweet babies in heaven I miss you!
I Saw You In My Dreams
by Melina Reeves
I saw you in my dreams last night
sitting on the side of my bed
You held out your hands to me
before you quietly said
Mommy, I am in heaven now
up where the angels play
Mom, I love you
We'll be together again someday
We'll be together again someday
Mom, I have a favor to ask you
please don't cry anymore
I am waiting up here in Heaven
behind heavens pearly door
There are lots of people here mom,
There are lots of people here mom,
some who tell me about you
they tell me how much you love me
and all about daddy too.
Mom I have to go now,
I will visit again some day
Remember that I am happy
and in your heart to stay
I woke up then
and sat up with a start
I knew from the smile on his face
he would never part.
He told me he was happy
and told me of his plea
he wanted me to smile again
he's watching over me
I saw him in my dreams last night
sitting on the edge of my bed
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